Heavy

After a heavy weekend, I enjoyed some light entertainment tonight: steak and ice cream. 

My yoga teacher on Friday talked about us as "human beings". Sometimes we need some lightness to relax and just "be". She said we focus too much on doing, doing, doing, and I have to agree. In our north american society we grow-up thinking that this is what makes us human. We created the world we know now and we keep creating and recreating it. There is so much energy being spent making that sometimes I fear there won't be any space left to breathe. Sometimes I feel like there is so much mindless doing that I feel numb and this is when I question what separates us from animals. Animals don't have emotions, they don't think about their next creation, what they're going to do next to improve themselves, where they want to be in 5, 10, 20 years, what they have to have done in their lives. Animals just are. My dog is always very happy to see me, and yesterday I told him is was especially nice to see him too because I knew all he thought about was eating, pooing, walks, and playing. It's a depressing thought to think that maybe all this doing is all that makes us human. 

But we have emotions. We can be happy or sad, we love and hate, etc. But when there's none of that, what do we do? When we're numb and suffocated by all the doing, how do we know we're still human? How do we know we won't suddenly start walking on four legs and have to run after our food?

It's difficult to "be" sometimes, because it isn't tangible. You can't work at being, you can't study being, you can't sketch being, or practice it. You just have to accept it. But accepting something you can't explain or understand is very difficult, similar to accepting god. Some people will tell you "He just is".

But I realised recently that we're conscious of life whether we like it or not. That also makes us human. We're conscious of our being alive and how that is. We may have forgotten why, but we always know how. We have control over it. We always have control over our lives, whether we feel like we do or not. We are always controlling our lives. We're keeping ourselves alive.

But this is what animals don't know. For them, it is instinct. But we understand it.

It's easy to forget what makes us human. There are times when we feel like less than animals. Like machines. So when you feel like a machine from all the time you've spent doing, when you stop doing, what do you feel like then?

What separates us from machines? The fact that we are alive. That's when we're being, and not doing. 

Now how do we bring ourselves back to feeling human again? By realising that we know this is a depressing place to be. We could recognise this as an emotion. 

We could then call upon other feelings. Feelings like happiness, and love. And we could start small. We could start with steak and with ice cream. And then we could move on to music. And then we could move on to people. 

Don't judge me, but...

...but I really feel this is nonsensical.

Feelings. We all have them. To some they're difficult to figure out. To others that’s very easy. 

Sometimes, I feel like I'm colourblind. It's like I have fewer possibilities for what I’m feeling than most people. They’re just different shades of brown. Or different levels of anxiety. Some people have a wide variety of options. Usually, those people are also talented at interpreting emotions, the way some people can just tell aqua and turquoise are different. 

Artists are trained to interpret these colours. Can we train ourselves to interpret our feelings just as clearly? Would it make a difference? I suppose most of us don’t do it already because we don’t care?

Maybe if we could feel as clearly as we see colours, we wouldn't have double standards about them: we have to feel, but we can't show it; the possibility of feeling the wrong way; having feelings proves our weakness.

I think these double standards exist because we don't understand the way we feel. It's difficult for most people. We have to think about them much more than we actually do. Usually when my feelings seem grey, it's because there are a whole load of different ones mixed up. We don’t take the time to trust ourselves and separate them. 

If we understood the way we feel and why, we would have more confidence in ourselves and what we do. Our feelings drive our lives, but if we don't know who's driving, of course it's unnerving. 

We shouldn't be ashamed of the way we feel; we just do. There are so many reasons that shape that. So when we ask ourselves "Why am I feeling this way?", instead of saying that you or someone else is stupid, maybe you should take the time to question that answer. That's probably not the real reason. 

We probably do this so rarely because it's so scary to go and find those real reasons, but then, why should we be afraid of our feelings. They are, in fact, our feelings. We're terrified of our feelings, because of this preconceived idea that we're out of control of our feelings, that they could drive us crazy. But, again, if we figure out who's driving, we might find a way to stop them from driving us crazy.

With the way our lives have evolved, there’s no time. We care less and less about the things that really make us who we are. It’s scary and uncomfortable, so we move on. Nothing must put us out of control of our own lives. Not even ourselves. 

We’re afraid of the chain effect that dealing with our feelings will have on the many other aspects of our lives. We have no time, because we have too many other things to deal with. Or do we make it that way so that we don’t have to deal with our feelings? Is it an excuse?

So how can we be weak for showing our feelings? We are strong for believing that we have enough self-control to take the time to remove ourselves for an extra second to think about who we are. We feel because who we are. We feel because of values, fears, needs. These are all unique to us, and we should remember that it’s important to express who we are. 

Therefore, it’s impossible to feel the wrong way. You're feeling your way. You can’t feel anyone else's way. 

Why don't we all just accept it and stop guessing and denying and feeling guilty about feeling? It's your life. Do you understand why you're doing what you’re doing with it?